From where I sit I see others laughing, sharing silly secrets, talking about shared moments. I am not privy to their conversation.
I am a sidelines person. I am one who is called in when needed, but once the play is over I am sent back to the sidelines.
In a group, I am one to make a silly comment to make others laugh. I appear confident when speaking to others. I am not. I know that my silly comments will make you smile and it may make you like me. It may keep you from talking to me, but me being awkward, I can never tell.
It's not my fault, I say to my husband, that those at our new church choose to not talk to me or be my friend. They're the ones not talking to me, not making an effort to get to know me. It's been a year. Deep down, I know that it is my fault. I do not try enough to build those bridges. I close doors that I never knew were open.
So, I keep my distance. I'll smile and laugh and may make you do the same. I'll probably not call because I am not sure that you'll answer and when you do answer are you disappointed its me? I'll tell you that we should really get together but probably will not because what if you say no or have something else you would rather do?
No, I guess my place is on the sidelines for now. I think God is bringing me to a place where I am to rely on Him more than my husband or my family or a friend.
Whoever loves a pure heart and gracious speech will have the king as a friend. Proverbs 22:11
For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. Romans 5:10
4 comments:
Brandi,
Very timely post for me as just last night I was sharing with my husband that I feel a bit deserted by friends. And it's lonely. And that just makes me want to retreat even more. And is that okay? Am I just having a pity party? I'm not sure. But I did think last night, maybe it's just time to do as Elisabeth Elliot says, "Keep a quiet heart." And I'm not sure if you are familiar with her, but in that she's saying sometimes you need to be quiet before others so that you give your heart fully to Him. Anyway, I guess I just find comfort in your post...knowing that I'm not alone....
Kat, Thank you. I can't tell you how many times I thought about deleting this post. I know that there aren't many readers, though, so I thought that this post may be overlooked and I was thankful for that.
I am glad you read it. I am sorry about the place you are in, though. It's not easy especially when I see so many beautiful friendships around me knowing I do have that friend. I have not heard of Elisabeth Elliot, but I love that thought of keeping a quiet heart. That is a beautiful image of being still so I can hear Him. Thank you. Thank you for commenting and being honest with me. Hugs to you sweet one.
How funny is it that my best friend wrote the same thing I'm feeling, as well? We're not feeling deserted by each other, but because we don't go to the same church and live 30 minutes from each other we NEVER feel like we have enough time together. It is always a par-tay when we have the chance to spend some time together.
We went to lunch yesterday and had a conversation about some of this...and how we've been hurt and wondering if we're being petty...as I like to say...it's a difficulty. My family has just started going to a new small group and we haven't gelled yet with them, to the point that if my husband can't go, I don't want to go without him. He tells me I need to reach out to them...but I don't feel like reaching out. It makes me feel very vulnerable and will they like me anyway?
I'm so with you on this one, chickie. Love you!
I think you are one in the huge crowd on the sidelines... It seems that whether you are "new on the block" or have been in the same place for years, women especially so easily "feel" left out.
Don't delete this post! You'd be surprised how many people read posts & never comment (as a fellow blogger I KNOW!) But this can have a tremendous impact, just letting others know they are not the only ones in this position. It doesn't matter the age or how confident we appear to be. And the loneliness is so intrusive. Only God Himself can truly understand the pain & only He can fill the void. Sometimes He uses the void to prompt us to reach out to someone else who needs encouragement.
So don't give up... He has plans!
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