Mixed Emotions

My mom is sick. Actually, she has been for some time, but this week she has ended up in the hospital on oxygen. I am having a hard time figuring out how I should respond. Do not think I am a terrible daughter. We have had some very negative history, but I do love her.

My mom is a smoker and has been for the past 30 years. She is a heavy smoker. Sometimes, I cannot stand for her to come to my home because the smell flows from her pores. Last year, she was diagnosed with severe COPD, which is disease of the lungs. This is, of course, due to her addiction to smoking. She coughs all the time, is very small and frail (she has lost so much weight, she wears clothes from the childrens dept.), she eats, but her body is too weak to absorb any nutrients from her food. It is really a sad sight.

A little background. She was 18 when I was born and life has always been a struggle for her. She met and married several men because she felt that she needed the love of man. A year and a half ago, she quit drinking after years of being an alcoholic and met the man who could change her life-- Jesus. I was so proud of her. This was the first time in my mother's life that I saw hope. I saw change. I saw Jesus work in her. She regularly attended church and was eager to learn more about Jesus. It was an answer to prayer.

During this time, she still lived in a very unhealthy environment. But she was trying.  She tried, to no avail, to quit smoking. Little by little, her health declined and so did her relationship with the Lord. She felt burdened by her situation. She felt like she was in a pit and that Jesus hadn't taken her out. Mom slipped into a depression brought on by her situation. There was nothing I could do. This was between Mom and God and there was nothing I could do to intervene.

Last week, Mom came over to my house. She told me she was sick, but I was unaware how sick. She struggled to breathe, she slept a lot, she spent a lot of time on my deck smoking alone. After she left here, she spent some time with my Grandmother. My Grandmother called me on Monday concerned that my mother struggled so much to breathe. An ambulance was called and my mother, at the age of 51 was admitted to the hospital and put on 4.5L of oxygen. There was more oxygen being put into her body than she was able to take in on her own. Mom has about 10lbs of unexplained fluid retention. She is swollen from her face to her feet. It has been determined that she does not have any blood clots in her body and there is no blockage in her heart. For that, we are thankful.

When her time does come to leave the hospital, I assume she will leave with an oxygen tank. Currently, she cannot breathe without the additional oxygen. It is sad to see my mother so sick and frail. She knows that she is in this condition due to poor choices she made in her life. The silver lining in this, though, is that she is once again reaching for the one true love in her life-- Jesus. I pray that this sickness will be motivation for true life change.

My mixed emotions are due to the fact that I hate smoking. I hate what it has done to my mother. I hate that my mother has made so many poor choices. I hate that I feel like the grown up in our relationship. But, a good friend of mine, who knows how my relationship is with my mother gave me wonderful advice. She told me to pray for a loving heart towards my mother so that I may love her like Jesus does. Truly simple, but so life changing.

So, if you don't mind, say a prayer for my mom. Say a prayer for those you pass as they smoke. Pray for the desire and strength to quit. Pray for healing on their body.